Category Archives: Office

The Office Smells

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“POO! It smells like fish in here”.

I turn to Roy who is eating a subway sandwich.

“Roy? What’s in your sandwich? Fish?”

“No, it’s pork, but I can smell fish too, it’s pretty gross.” He replies.

I wander off in a hunt for the fishy smelling culprit. As I near the kitchen the fish smell gets stronger. The team who sit outside the kitchen all have their noses blocked and one lady is even spraying her perfume around. I walk into the kitchen and I’m almost bowled over by the putrid smell. There are many people eating their lunch in there, so it is very hard to pinpoint who is eating the fish. I wander back to my desk in disgust.

I work in a team full of blokes. There is constant burping, farting and swearing going on. It’s pretty hard to put up with, but they should be used to me by now.

But seriously, we have had a few issues with smells in the office. Yesterday there was a strong BO smell floating around. Roy reckons there was a workman crawling around in the ducting with bad BO, and this was the cause of the smell wafting around the office. This could possibly also explain the farty smells we had the other day. Maybe that same workman is up there eating fish today.

The Office – All By My Self

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It’s Friday. I’m sitting at my desk eating my lunch.  I glance to my left and am confronted with screen full of testicles.

“What the hell are you looking at Roy? Testicles?”.

“It’s the inside of a nose” replies Roy.

I’m not sure which is worse. Now for some reason I can’t stop glancing at Roy’s computer. This is really putting me off my lunch.  Roy is a young Asian guy with a kiwi accent who sits next to me. He is in my team, but works on other systems to me. I politely ask him to refrain from looking at noses and testicles until I have finished my lunch.

Speaking of young asian guys with kiwi accents, a  chat pops up on my screen

“Hi Jo, how’s it going?”

“OMG, Kevin!” I type back.

Kevin is an old workmate  from my previous job in Auckland, and he is now working for the same company as me, but in Auckland. We chat for about 30 mins, catching up on gossip etc. I’m glad he finally got away from our old firm – he was way too good for that place. When I finish chatting to Kevin, I realise I am all alone in the office. Mark has gone for a 2 hour lunch to play board games with his mates. Yes – you heard me right – I said board games. Visions of the guys in Big Bang Theory springs to mind.

I’m not sure where everyone else is. Antony is no doubt in a meeting, Brian and Evan are no doubt in the pub, and Thomas is in Argentina. I was friends with Thomas before I started work, so I get to read about all his travel adventures on facebook – how he got upgraded to business class, cycled around Dubai, photos of him drinking pints in London, and this morning he just landed in Buenos Aires. The fruit is rotting in his drawer as we speak.

At 1.30pm an email pops up on my screen.

You have won tickets to tonights rugby – Hurricanes vs Force.

“I’ve won tickets!” I announce to the empty office.

They have a ballot at work for spare tickets whenever there is a sporting event on in Wellington. I decide to walk up to the 10th floor to pick up my tickets. By the time I get to the 7th floor, my legs are like jelly. I struggle up the remaining 3 flights and am wheezing by the time I make it to reception. Note to self: I must do more stair walking (or take the lift next time).

By the time I get back to my desk everyone is back in the office so I wave my free tickets around to gloat. Mark spoils my thunder by saying “They are having trouble getting people to go, they are practically giving tickets away”. I look on the internet to see if this is true. It’s not.

The afternoon drags on a bit. I was planning to finish early, but now I have to wait around to 5pm as we are going to the game. Mark is busy concentrating on something. I see he has an earphone in one ear – which means he is either watching a movie, a Manchester united game, or something on youtube. There is a fornightly meeting downstairs at 4pm, which we are allowed to take beer to, so I drag Mark along with me. Mark doesn’t drink though. He’s a diabetic vegetarian who doesn’t drink. So that basically rules out any of the good stuff for him.

The meeting was ridiculously boring, but by the time it finished, I had time for another beer before Mike arrived to pick me up.

The End.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Office

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I arrive in the office at the ungodly hour of 7.30am. Mark is on the phone. He sees me and promptly hangs up. I think I just interupted his early morning phone sex. “Morning Jo, how was the traffic this morning?” chirps Mark in a cheery voice. I’m still half asleep and grunt something in return. I head to the kitchen for some caffeine. As my tea is brewing I begin emptying the dishwasher. There is like a million dishes in there. I half empty it and give up in disgust. It’s worse than cleaning up after Christmas day!

I head back to my desk and notice Mark is on the phone again. He sees me and promptly hangs up. There is a bit of de ja vu going on here. I rustle around in my drawers looking for some fruit that I stashed there yesterday. I load of fruit flies swarm out and the stench of rotten fruit makes me gag. A bit more rustling reveals a nectarine stashed right at the back. It looks like it may have been there since last year! I put it aside to stash in Thomas’s desk when he goes away for a whole month around Europe. That will teach him!

“Where’s that Thomas-M” annouces Mark for the 100th time this morning. “Gone to get a chart” I reply on auto-pilot. Thomas went out to buy a chart of the Milford Sounds once (he has a holiday house there) and ever since this has become a bit of an “in joke”. When someone asks where Thomas is – he has gone to buy a chart.

At 7.40am Brian wanders in. “Morning punkly” says Mark. “Don’t call me a cunt you fucken cunt” replies Brian. Mark then goes on to explain that he called him a punk – not a cunt. An argument erupts between the two of them that involves even more swearing. See what I have to put up with?

Evan arrives at 7:45am. “Are we doing the quiz today?” “No, because you guys are crap at it” says Mark. It’s true we are crap at it. Evan sits down at his desk in a huff. Thomas arrives at 7:50am. “Where have you been Thomas-M – you’re late!” says Mark.

Mark and Thomas start chatting about the cricket so I tune out and get on with my day checks which involves checking my email, facebook and the news. Antony (our boss) rocks in about lunchtime. It’s not really lunchtime – it’s just wishful thinking. It’s only 9.30am, but it feels like it should be time to go home already.

Mark takes a drink of his chocolate milk and gags, splutters and spits all over his monitor. That’s fucking coffee flavoured milk. Christine brought me the wrong milk. She’s trying to kill me. I can’t get that coffee flavour out of my mouth yuck yuck etc etc. This went on the next hour or so.

It’s now 11am. Antony is in a meeting, Mark is washing his mouth out and Thomas has gone to buy a chart. I am all alone and have run out of things to write about.

The End.