Hey there fellow germophobes. This is a light-hearted guide to surviving hotel stays with your sanity (and cleanliness) intact!

Baggage Etiquette:

Hold your horses there, luggage flinger! Before you treat your bed like a bouncy castle for your bags, consider this friendly warning: bedbugs don’t need a passport to hitch a ride. They’re like the sneaky stowaways of the hotel world, and trust me, you don’t want them infesting your van!

Now, if you’re the extra-paranoid type (and let’s face it, who isn’t when it comes to bedbugs?), you can take things up a notch with the classic “backpack-in-a-plastic-bag” manoeuvre. It’s like giving your bag its very own hazmat suit – stylish AND practical! 

2. Bedbug Bites:

It’s time for the mattress inspection! Time to play detective and hunt down those pesky uninvited guests hiding in the seams, corners, and crevices. Keep your eyes peeled for mysterious dark stains that could easily pass for ink splatters – their toilet habits are not fooling anyone! 

And don’t forget to check for bed bug shells – they’re like tiny ghost costumes left behind by the critters as they outgrow their old skins. If you spot blood spots on the mattress, don’t panic – it’s just the bed bugs getting a little too excited during their nightly feasts.

Now, about that musty odour… Let’s just say if your mattress smells like the pair of damp socks you left in your shoes last year, it might be time to leave. Immediately!

But remember, just because you can’t see those sneaky critters during the day doesn’t mean they’re not plotting their night time attack. Stay vigilant, my friends, and may your body be free of nocturnal blood sucking critters!

3. Sheet Sniffing:

Time for the classic sniff test! Give those sheets a whiff and make sure they smell fresh and clean. If they smell like yesterday’s gym socks, or there are any visible stains, hairs, or other debris on the sheets and pillowcases, it’s time to call in reinforcements (aka new sheets).

Top Tip: Bring your own pillowcase for peace of mind and a touch of home comfort!

4. Bathroom Bleach:

Grab those disinfectant wipes and prepare for battle! Wipe down everything in sight – from the taps to the toilet seat. And don’t forget to inspect those toiletries for any funny business.

5. Remote Control Shenanigans:

Give it a good wipe-down before settling in for some TV time. Who knows what kind of remote-controlled funny business happened before you arrived?

6. Blanket Toss:

Say goodbye to questionable blankets and pillows! Toss them into a corner and let them stew in their own filth. Because let’s be real here – those cosy companions don’t exactly hit the spa for a deep cleanse between guests.

They’re like the forgotten relics of past hotel stays, collecting mysteries and memories with each new visitor. 

7. Parting Wisdom:

As you bid adieu to your hotel room, pat yourself on the back for a job well done. Remember, a little laughter goes a long way – and so does a squirt of hand sanitiser!

There you have it, germaphobes of the world, a practical guide to checking into your hotel room like a boss.